Today we are happy to announce that all tolls on Florida roads have been lifted. After carefully investing your toll dollars, we have saved enough money for the Turnpike's original purpose of providing all residents over 16 years of age with jet packs. Residents should expect to receive their jet packs no later than April 15th 2012.
The Governor's statement:
This day has been a long time coming. You have trusted us to invest your money wisely. You have trusted us to use your money to research and create new ways to improve your commute, and your lives. Sure, other communities would have been happy enough finding new ways to squeeze money out of you, and superficial pointless ways to use your money, like painting bike symbols on the asphalt of busy roads and calling them "bike lanes" or removing lanes of traffic in congested areas to make oversized walkways where people have no need for them. All the while embezzling your hard earned toll money. No, we could never be content with that. These jet packs will demolish Florida's traffic problems.
With these jet packs, let us all soar to new heights of responsible government. Sure, you want to know "Can Florida drivers can be trusted to use their jet packs safely?" Our residents are safe and courteous drivers. They will surely carry those traits over to their jet packing. What will we do with the Turnpike now that we won't need it, you ask? The Turnpike will remain in place, as a monument to the enduring human spirit. Together we will paint a smiling face on the bike lane of our lives. Come ride with me, on the express lane of progress!
Even though, we have been very careful with your funds, it is true that a number of state run programs have come to rely on the money collected from tolls. Programs like, The Florida Laser Shield Initiative and Glocks For TOTS. In order to keep these institutions functioning we're going to install a more convenient way to receive funds from our residents. Come next March, we will be adding tolls to your everyday life. It is with great pride that I gladly introduce to you, "LIFE PASS." LIFE PASS will add charges to your everyday activities. Activities such as: walking, eating and sex will now help fuel our government. LIFE PASS will be a fashionable band worn around the wrist or ankle. You will wear LIFE PASS all day, every day until your pathetic life is spent and you are returned to the cruel nothingness that spat you forth from it's cold indifferent heart. Just like before, if you don't have a LIFE PASS you will have the option to be billed by mail. "Toll by plate" will be tweaked slightly, instead of receiving a bill in the mail, you will be arrested and thrown into an activity(death) camp. Only ONE word can sum up this new project: CONVENIENT and GREAT!